I have gone back and forth on the idea of writing this piece and at the end of the day, if it gives hope to one person who in some way can relate, then it’s worth it.
When I was a teenager I always thought I’d be married by 28, have my first child by 30 and live happily ever after. Well, now I’m in my 30’s and life is very different to what the teenage me had in mind.
If you are a new follower to my blog.. Hi, I’m Tricia.
I am a woman of faith. I grew up in Australia with my 4 sisters, 1 brother and raised by my Spanish/Filipino parents. I was a professional dancer in Australia for 8 years, retired then moved to Manila in 2011. Here, I became a tv host/fashion blogger, met a boy, we became friends and three years later I married him secretly in Las Vegas 2014, then moved to LA.
A few months later we had 2 more beautiful weddings in the Philippines.
We were just so in love..
LA life was like living back in Sydney for me. I loved it, the weather, my friends, it was like returning home. It was familiar. I stopped blogging to concentrate on supporting my husband and his dreams because we were one now, his dreams were my dreams, right? They were our dreams..
That was my first mistake. If there’s anything I can say to other women out there it’s this. Never give up your own dreams for anyone. I didn’t realise I was giving so much of myself to a man who in hindsight didn’t appreciate it. I believed in my heart that eventually it would be my turn to shine again so I just loved on him.
We went on trips and started to explore the world together. Most of them we shared on social media for everyone to see, so they could have a special peek into our love adventures. What we created was beautiful because what we had was beautiful. But something started to feel inauthentic, I just couldn’t put my finger on it at the time and that was my second mistake. As women we have women’s intuition, I just wish I listened to it sooner.
So as I was saying life in LA was great, it was new and exciting but that’s speaking for myself. Life for him was just..different. I found out that he had issues and struggles that he kept from me and unfortunately instead of talking to me, he left me.
I was shattered!
I was living my worst nightmare and it was so out of the blue. I kept asking myself, ‘What did I do so wrong that my husband doesn’t want me anymore?’, ‘Was I a horrible wife?’, ’What’s wrong with me?’,’Where did it all go wrong?’.
What made it worse was that being a public figure I didn’t want people to see the cracks in our relationship. I still wanted to protect him, I still wanted to protect ‘US’ but I was already broken. My cracks were just too big and I fell apart. A month or so later he asked me back but nothing had changed, he didn’t want to work on things and I quickly saw through the lies. The man who came back was not the fun loving man I married. Even his dreams and goals had changed. It was then I knew something had to change and I was the only one who could make those changes. It was my life.. so I asked him to leave. I listened to my intuition, sought counsel from my Pastors and decided to do what was best for me as an individual. It wasn’t easy that’s for sure. Asking the man I loved so dearly to leave the house because he wasn’t treating me right was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make.
Moving on and getting over someone is the hardest thing anyone will have to ever do in life. The past 8 months for me have been a road to discovering. I had to say goodbye to someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. You can’t hold on to somebody who doesn’t want to be held onto. Because of this whole ordeal though I’ve realised that I am a much stronger woman than I could ever imagined. I have found out more about myself and how far I can be pushed than I ever thought was possible. I have found out who my real friends are and that there is a big difference between being a good submissive Christian wife and being a door mat. There is a big difference and after allowing myself to get angry and be sad I am now healing. I know I have to wake up everyday and continue my life without him and I’m ok with that because I believe I deserve better.
Why now, why blog about this? well because it’s made me who I am today and reviving my blog and not addressing what I’ve been up to and going through in the past 2 years is pretty much unavoidable and I really want to move on the right way. People always ask and I hope this will end the questions and lead to peace. I’m done talking about what went wrong but I am happy to talk about my life and the journey I am on now. I always try to encourage you all to ‘be true to your own style’ and, well, I like to think being true to yourself goes hand in hand with that. So I’m trying to keep it real.
If you follow me on social media you already know things anyway, I’ve been receiving your messages of support of love and I thank you. To the women who have been emailing and IG messaging me going through similar experiences, I’m also writing this for you as well, as a reminder to be strong and to have faith that you deserve better too. To take care of your heart and one day you will wake up and just not miss him anymore. I think I will always grieve for the man I married but I am now stronger, hopefully wiser, more grounded and more aware because of it and he is partly to thank for that. I loved this man with every atom in my body but that man I married 2 years ago, I don’t know what happened to him.. was he real or is today’s version of him the real him?.. I felt like a fool for so long but do you know what? I really don’t want to lose anymore sleep over this so I’m going to say I don’t care anymore and I will let God handle him.
Now it’s time for me to just love on myself and get back to what I love!
Fashion, dancing, hosting, spending time with my friends and family. I may be heartbroken when it comes to my husband but time heals all wounds and I am far from being defeated. And like any good tragic love story – I say good because my marriage was spectacular for a while there – there is always a silver lining.. mine is I’ve gained a whole other family and the most adorable Goddaughter. So I am not going to lose sight of love, instead I will work on myself until it finds me again. All in Gods timing.
Photos by Magic Liwanag & Mango Red
Dress by Francis Libiran
Vlog series, 'Centenera Time' will be coming soon.
Please send in questions or comment below and let's chat.